It’s been a few weeks since I’ve made my last post. Thankfully due to lots of people using Google for SEC trash talk, my site stats have done pretty well from people stumbling here while this blog has been on auto-pilot. Y’all will have to forgive me. I have spent the last two weeks on some paid writing projects, both the editing and writing kind, and I interviewed for a job in North Carolina. So, now that I have had a few days to catch up, I got my cartoons done and I finally get to publish a post contributed by my friend and special guest.
My friend Cat, who’s also known as the Budget Blonde, got me into blogging a few months ago. She was nice enough to let me contribute a guest post on her site a few weeks ago. In return, I asked for her assistance in writing the post on Southern Pageants, which was the contest winner, during the poll I had to pick the next South Will Blog Again topic. My experience with pageants has been quite limited so I needed someone who’s been immersed (she’s been a pageant winner) in that culture to report on things that I could then in turn satirize and cartoon. And now here we are 😉
As I said earlier, my experience with pageants has been rather limited. I did however have the good fortune to attend the Univeristy of Mississippi. Ole Miss has produced three Miss America winners, and countless Miss Mississippis. If you spend five minutes on campus and look around you can see why. In any event, when I was an undergrad, a Miss Mississippi from the year before lived in my apartment complex. It’s the kind of thing that you hear about and make a point of not forgetting. After hours of daydreaming about my first encounter one day I ran into her at the mailboxes….literally. I remembered she chuckled and smiled and said something charming in that wonderful accent, and 20 year old me, just stammered and said something stupid.
I’ve told this story a lot and can just hear my friend Cat reminding me that she’s heard me tell it about a million times. But since most of you are strangers in cyberspace, you get to hear all my “old” stories quite “new”. It’s one of the beauties of having a blog. Well, Cat and I are good friends from graduate school, and her husband and I are also good friends that share SEC war (football) stories despite his having attended LSU. They live overseas now, so this guest post, was sort of done “interview” style over Skype, Facebook, and email. I hope y’all enjoy!
What is something about pageants that someone from the outside would never know?
“With recent shows like Toddlers & Tiaras, pageant girls are getting a bad rap. I loved competing in pageants for several years growing up. It actually requires quite rigorous preparation, from reading the news every morning to practicing interview questions and talent performances every day. Still, there have been some really funny moments I’ve experienced in pageants. I’ll never forget the first time I learned about butt spray. You have to have it. Otherwise, your bathing suit will ride up and your rear end is visible to hundreds of people. Ironically, football players use a similar product to make winning catches. See, pageants can be a lot like football :)”
Do you have a funny story from your pageant days that you would like to share?
“One of my fondest memories was travelling to Washington, D.C. with several other pageant queens. All of us wore our crowns and sashes to the airport, representing our communities. Looking back, this scene must have been absolutely hilarious. We got to the security point and the first pageant queen just froze. All of us had about a hundred bobby pins and a bottle of hairspray in our hair keeping our crowns on. I think the first queen must have batted her eyelashes because all of us got to keep our crowns on as we walked through security, and sure enough, the metal detectors went off every time. Well all made it in one piece, crowns on our heads. I’m sure each of us had a raging headache after an entire plane ride to D.C. with crowns on, but a pageant girl never complains. My mom always said you have to suffer to be beautiful. :)”
Is there a lot of griping and backstabbing between the girls backstage?
“The vast majority of pageant girls and pageant moms were great fun to hang out with. We road tripped all over the state and I am still friends with many of them to this day. Of course there is always one, or in this case a mother/daughter combo that makes things difficult and isn’t very nice. Once, the girl offered to “loan me her brain” for an interview. But her mom takes the cake. The most bizarre thing her mom did was buy a convertible (for the use in Mardi Gras parades of course) and put signs on the car “Miss Teen So & So” to use every single day. So, when most of us rented a car for parades and put our magnetic signs on the car for just that, this girl rode around in a convertible all the time with stickers on the car of her title. Every day that convertible would pull into school and I just shook my head in amazement, hoping no one thought all pageant girls were that way!”
I’ve noticed on Facebook that you treat pageants like your husband and I treat college football. What are your traditions?
Yeah, I like to watch Miss America on tv and text and call my mom, grandma, cousin, and pageant friends with comments.
Last year I wasn’t too thrilled with my mom because she fell asleep on me, scratch that from the record. 😉 lol
Unfortunately pageants do get a bad rap these days. While its doubtless that beauty is (and should) be part of the competition, the girls that compete and who are successful also show an inner beauty. If there is one thing I’ve noticed about Southern pageant girls; it’s that they grow up to be successful Southern women. And there’s nothing wrong with a lady that can run a family, manage a career, achieve an education, and still know how to put on the charm, with that “magnolia” in her voice. That’s what makes Southern women special…and why they should always win any contest hands down. Of course, I could be a bit biased…
It’s been a record breaking week for me at The South Will Blog Again. Thanks to your wonderful support, my two SEC Halloween costume posts have broken my all-time weekly site stats with three days to spare!
There’s just something about those SEC posts which brings out some of my better cartoons I think. Well we all know there’s a lot of good material. I also get a lot of search engine traffic whenever there’s a big game. Usually people searching for trash talking or fans looking for cartoons making fun of the other team. Well, I tend to be an equal opportunity satirist, so if you’ve come in because of that, welcome! Have a look around. There’s several posts and cartoons making fun of whatever team’s fans you’re looking for.
I’d also like to welcome the good people who follow Budget Blonde. I made a guest post there this week which you can read here. For all my new “Budget Buddies”, I don’t really have any decorating tips for you, unless you want to print these cartoons out and frame them. But I think that’d look quite nice.
So regular readers, football fans, and Budget Blondies, I have a special treat for you: a very Southern, and very topical, Alabama-LSU preview. I will make fun of both schools (while very aware they are both infinitely better at football than mine), prognosticate the game, and satirize the whole experience of what is clearly the National Championship, Part One.
I know a lot of people say they wish they were at this game, and I am no exception. However I have a real desire to observe the tailgaiting outside the stadium because it would provide for some very entertaining material for this blog. In what I’ll call the ultimate showdown of the Sidewalk Alums, or the “Concrete Bowl” if you will, you’ll have the infamous “Pimp Tailgate” of LSU facing off against the “Houndstooth Patrol” of Rammer Jammer Bammer. Imagine the obnoxious element of Mardi Gras crashing the party of the drunk element of the county fair. Should be amazing. Fights, fake fights, and drunken missed haymaker fights, are sure to ensue, and I won’t be there to see it! I’ve experienced both fan bases first hand. Although both bring the numbers and the rowdiness, I’m going to give Bama the home field advantage here. They will be able to “unleash the Houndstooth” and call infinite numbers of fans from across the state as reinforcements.
Alabama will win the “fight” and will also win the first half. It’s going to be a defensive struggle to say the least. More than likely LSU will manage a couple of field goals, after getting stopped in the Red Zone a few times, while Alabama will muscle themselves in for one rushing touchdown.
There are people reading this who will either completely agree or completely disagree with this satirical post right now. I’m going to envision them as “The Guys in Official Coach’s Polos”. I would much prefer to hear two guys like this call the game than Brent and Herbie. Could you imagine it? Every play would cause our “announcers” to have tantrums, meltdowns, loud cheering, singing, referee denouncing, accusations of cheating, inventive cursing, and all manner of 4th grade humor. I’m telling you: ratings through the roof.
In any event whether up at halftime or down at halftime, Alabama’s head coach Nick Saban will have the same demeanor. Annoyed, and ready to explode at his players.
In the second half I envision a much more offensive game. Both teams have a tendency to start out strong in the second half. Alabama will manage another touchdown and a field goal giving them a 17-6 lead. But in the 4th quarter I see LSU managing a passing touchdown with one of their seven (is it now?) quarterbacks, whichever one is not suspended. Then near the end of the game they will force a fumble for a defensive touchdown, winning the game 20-17.
The official LSU Coach’s Polo Guy will agree with my drawing, while the Alabama one will accuse me of drawing for Auburn. Oh well. In any event, the State of Louisiana will burn down in celebration, while half the population of Alabama will jump off of tall buildings.
And at the end of the telecast Erin Andrews (see, I know how to draw ratings) will interview LSU coach Les Miles on “how he did it?” He will of course have no idea (he never does), but the little blade of grass will.
But the real winner will of course be my site stats.
EDIT: When I wrote this, the College Gameday telecast and the late start tricked me into thinking this would be on ABC and not CBS. Oh well, I’d rather draw Erin Andrews than Verne Lundquist for the record.
First of all, thank you so much for the tremendous response to my previous Halloween SEC costume cartoons! My site stats jumped quite a bit yesterday, largely due to the efforts of many of y’all in re-posting and tweeting my piece. I got a lot of positive feedback and questions as to why I didn’t do the rest of the conference.
Well, first of all, I only thought of the Halloween post at the last-minute and wanted to get it out in time. Second, I ran out of ideas and drawing energy. Last of all, I didn’t know it was going to be so popular. So in any case, last night and today I worked up the rest of the SEC even if we are a bit late for Halloween. You can always use these costume ideas to make a fool of yourself on ESPN “College Gameday”.
So without further ado, here are the rest of the costumes…
Much has been made in the news lately about the usefulness (or lack thereof) of a college degree. Thankfully there are schools in the SEC that train their students to succeed in any economy and now you can look like them. You can dress like the Arkansas graduate I call “Chop Sooooooooey!” He can call the Hogs and deliver Chinese takeout menus to your door or car windshield. All you need are overalls (we know all Arkansas grads have those), a Chinese straw hat, and a novelty pig snout. Bonus points if you know what those Chinese characters spell.
Then there is Mississippi State. I bet even in their graduation ceremonies they make a real effort never to look too fancy, less they be mistaken for “one of them school up north there” folks. To pull off this look all you need is a graduation cap and gown. Make sure you cut the sleeves of the gown (sleeves are for preppies)! Then to complete the look, take a Chick-Fil-A coupon calendar and write the word “diploma” on it. Trust me, these are what they hand out at State. Truly a useful, and delicious degree.
Believe it or not there are a couple of schools in the SEC that do not care about football. Yeah I know, I find it shocking and despicable too! But now with my help you can mock/pay tribute to Kentucky and Vanderbilt. To do either, you need to modify the old solar system costume idea. You can borrow one from one of your kids or younger brothers or sisters.
For Kentucky, simply replace the image of the sun with a large cutout of a giant basketball. Then have all the orbiting “planets” be sports that UK does not care about, which is every sport except for basketball. Thus, you have become the Kentucky Athletic Department.
The Vanderbilt version is even easier since it requires less sporting equipment. Just change the Kentucky basketball into a large ping-pong ball. Write the words “intermural and athletic department” and don’t forget your paddle. You might even be the life of the party as your costume can lead to a rousing game of “human beer pong”.
Have you noticed a lot of people have been talking about the LSU-Alabama game this weekend? If you haven’t noticed and are living in the South I’m going to have to kindly ask you to leave. In any event, the #1 and #2 teams in the SEC and the entire country (which is a bit redundant since this is true every year) are playing one another. In fact, they are even in the same West division. Want to know what no one is talking about? Who is going to win the East division and play one of them at the end of the year.
So whether you are a South Carolina or a Georgia fan you can stand up and force people to take notice with your Cannon Fodder costume. It’s a variation of a costume I saw online, whereby a guy cut holes in his shirt and placed two I-Pads underneath to look like he had a hole in his body. For the SEC version, simply dress in your usual SC or UGA game attire and cut holes in the shirts and put the I-Pads underneath. For added effect you will want to carry a cannonball with the logo of either LSU or Alabama. Your costume will bring attention to the “also rans” and remind people that the path to the SEC crown runs through, over, and around, South Carolina or Georgia.
I got several queries as to why I did not cartoon my alma mater Ole Miss. People probably thought I was avoiding the subject due to our horrendous season and embarrassment of a football program. But honestly, the opposite is true. I am planning to devote a special issue on this site all about what is wrong with my school. In the meantime I bring you a group costume idea that details the main source of discontent in Oxford.
The Four Horsemen of the Ole Miss Apocalypse
“Administration” – Dress in a business suit, and place headphones over your ears, and a blindfold over your eyes. Now you will look like an administration that fails to see and hear alumni discontent.
“Athletic Director” – Take the usual Daniel Boone/Davy Crockett costume and add a few pieces of Ole Miss regalia. You can then be Athletic Director Pete Boone. Our Boone is himself a trailblazer. He always finds new ways to screw up the athletic department and anger the fans.
“Coach” – You can embody the “genius” of Houston “We have a problem winning” Nutt. Take any Houston sports team jersey, and combine it with a pair of khakis and white sneakers. Then add a stupid hat of a peanut or other kind of nut. You will look like a complete moron, but so does Houston Nutt every weekend.
“Bear” – You too can be the college mascot nobody wanted. Simply wear “Grove attire”, add a pair of black gloves, and cut out a bear mask from a box of children’s cereal. Then go around at parties and annoy people. Bonus points for showing up at a party you weren’t invited to.
THE NEW GUYS
As you may know the SEC expanded recently. This caused the conference to expand into two new television markets and also caused my hand to cramp up as I had extra cartoons to draw. Neither Texas A&M nor Missouri has been in the conference long enough for me to give them the proper TSWBA treatment but here is my attempt.
Dress as a stereotypical Aggie or Mizzou fan and make sure you take your “trick or treat” bags/buckets. Then go door to door to every SEC school and major Football TV network and beg for a little change. Bonus points if you steal the candy from a Texas fan.
Okay folks, that wraps this up. I drew about 24 cartoons in 3 days so I think I’m going to rest awhile, lest I get “Cartoon Tunnel Syndrome”.